The Journal of Jack Marson

April 15th, 2004


I am Jack Marson a 35 year old, certified personal accountant at my brother in-laws firm. Everything was fine with life. I am married to my high school sweetheart, Ashley, have two children, and a well paying job. Everyday I wake up and it is the same routine. I get up. Then get the kids ready for school while getting myself ready for work. I drive Stephanie and Will to school on my way to work.

Stephanie and Will are the main reasons why I am still here, not here as with my wife, but here as in living. They bring the chaos to my life that I need to keep it interesting.

I love Ashley, don’t get me wrong, but life with us has become, I don’t know, boring. I have tried to bring that spark back between us but nothing seems to work, so I put my efforts that would go into my marriage into activities with my children. I am so close to the edge it isn’t even funny.

I started going to a psychiatrist to see if I need to be on some medication to help with this depression I seem to be plagued with and all he says I should do is talk with Ashley. No meds to ease the heartache. Maybe I should end all of this suffering.

I need to get away from this life for awhile. I talked to Ashley about taking sometime off of work and me going on the trip I have been planning on taking for awhile now. I told her that it would give me that fresh sense of not being stressed.

Three weeks ago I started planning how to go about my trip across this beautiful state of Oregon. Leaving Portland I went east towards The Dalles. So, this is where I am now, sitting here writing in this damn journal like I have been meaning to for years. I will keep this posted as I get around to it.







April 16th, 2004

So, I decided not to go where I was planning. I am such a spur of the moment kind of guy. I met up with some friends, Todd, his wife Leanne, their friends Daniel, his wife Gabby, and their kid Richard, heading to the Blue Mountains to go camping. I accepted the invitation and left my car in The Dalles. We headed east following the Columbia River to Pendleton, where we stopped for the night. We stayed in the Wild Horse resort and gambled in the casino there.

I called Ashley and talked with her for about an hour while staying about even at the video poker machine I as on. She didn’t have much to say, which made me upset. It felt as if this trip was making me lose my wife, but it was a trip I needed. What in the hell am I supposed to do? This is almost fucking impossible to figure out. I am going to go to sleep.



April 19th, 2004

I know it has been a while but I needed some time to think to myself without the feeling of being burdened, having to write my thoughts in you. The other night I had thoughts of ending my life somehow. The fear of losing Ashley, even though we aren’t like we used to be, scares me to death. I thought I had been right in feeling that I didn’t care any longer. I still love her.

Well on to what today had in store for me. Today was a good day in self discovery. We stopped in this podunk little town called Meacham and left with out gear. This group of five I was with, hiked for a day and set up camp. We stayed there for a day before heading out to a lake in the middle of nowhere.

Todd taught me something I had always wanted to learn. FISHING! This is something entirely new to me. I had no intention of ever having this much fun doing absolutely nothing at all. Just casting a line out into the water and letting the bobber sit in the water, moving with the motion of the water. The sound of the water splashing against the bank ever so gently was very relaxing. This is a place I have to remember. Well for now I am at an unnamed lake and I will sign off again. I must thank you; you are making me think about my life and the directions I want to take it. I am going to call Ashley before I head off to bed.







April 20th, 2004

Ashley and I had a long talk last night about how she was thinking about a trial separation. I wasn’t shocked at all. I told her some of the things that were on my mind since having been gone. I told her how much I loved her and the troubles I had been going through with myself, the thoughts of suicide and the depression, and we decided that when I get back that we needed to actually separate for awhile. My cell gave me that, "I’m dying" beep and I told her I must be going. I’m sorry it had to come to this I told her. It almost made me cry knowing how hurt she is from all this.

Our little excursion up into these mountains is coming to an end. I am ready to head back towards home, but not ready to go home yet. This trip has brought new insight into how I am failing in marriage and as a father. This is tiring me.







April 23rd, 2004

Home at last! Well at least in Portland. I will head home tomorrow after I get up. I need to go to my father’s grave and it’s too late to do it now. There are some things I must things I must talk with him about. .

There’s something about being caught in slow moving traffic for two hours on the Freeway that just pisses me off. This is me venting off some of the pent up anger. If I learned anything from that damn shrink it is this, "Learn to express yourself in a constructive manner as to not overcome yourself with your emotions." I have tried to call home twice today and no answer either time. Oh well, I’ll see them tomorrow since its Saturday and all.



April 24th, 2004

I made it home in one piece. Stephanie and Will were very happy to see me and hear all about my trip. I got them some souvenirs from Wild Horse on the way back. Ashley greeted me with a half-hearted smile and a barely there hug. I knew this was gonna be awkward.

We talked briefly about what problems we are having. She tells me that I am a workaholic and I tell her that I hate work. I hate working for Craig. He’s an asshole. Ashley won’t talk to me because she is afraid that I’ll react with negativity towards her ideas, I only listen and give input where needed, nothing more, nothing less. It felt good to actually talk to her tonight.







April 29th, 2004

Ashley seems to not care anymore. I am starting to believe that there is something driving us apart. I haven’t been able to put my finger on it yet but I have a feeling that I am getting very close. Could it be that she is cheating on me? Is she just scared of something? I don’t know what the hell is going on anymore? I am so sick and tired of everything that goes on in this house.

My relationship with my Stephanie and Will seems to be getting worse because of all the stress with Ashley and I not really talking and all that shit. It makes me wonder if there is something that she isn’t telling me. I am tired of all the tears that I see from my children, fearing for their mother like she isn’t going to be around much longer. It’s late and I have an early start in the morning.



April 30th, 2004

Marsha, Ashley’s best friend came into work and said something very odd to me as if I knew what was up with Ashley. She mentioned something about Hank. I came home only to find that Ashley had taken the kids to her moms a few hours early. I tried calling her only to get her voice mail. I am afraid something’s wrong with her. I am going to cut it here, I am stressing out to badly to think about anything.







May 1st, 2004

I’m leaving Ashley. We talked about what Marsha had to say yesterday and I decided that it was for the better to leave. I don’t care about losing my job at the firm or that her parents bad mouthing me to my kids. I just need to do what is best for Jack Marson. A wise woman once told me, "The key to happiness is not worrying about making others happy until find happy yourself." This is going to be my last journal entry for awhile, for I feel that you have helped me accomplish something.

Good-bye journal.